The Great Mom Debate: Pancakes and surgery

I have been cursed with gift of over analyzing everything I come in contact with. Today was no exception. In fact today was an extreme case of hyper-analyzing on my part. I really longed to sleep in this morning even though I knew it wouldn't happen and couldn't happen. There is a wonderful thing about the older kid's bedroom door; it makes an obnoxious sound when opened. Isaac being very handy could fix this problem but I have told him to leave it for now. The reason is because I know the moment any one of them leave their room. This door is my alarm clock.

7:30 this morning I hear their door burst open and the pitter patter of three pairs of feet tromping down the stairs. I grumbled a bit and turned over. "You better get them." Isaac says as he drifts back to sleep. I resist the urge to throw my pillow at him and then hear a CRASH. I propel myself out of bed suddenly motivated by the terror being afflicted upon my house and the anxiety over the magnitude of work my short delay in bed just caused.

I make it to the kitchen and find metal bowls on the floor, measuring cups dispersed in various locations. Xander with eggs in hand trying to figure out which bowl he should crack them into. Jadzia was happily hitting a spoon loudly against one of the bowls as though she was beating invisible contents and Landon was perched on top of the counter trying to reach the flour. Man those boogers are fast I thought and then turned my mind to the obvious. "What are you doing?" Xander started his tone. You know the almost whining, mommy this is all for you so we can't possibly be in trouble tone. "We are making you pancakes because we love you." "We love you!" Jadzia echoed in her usual repeat everything the boys say manner. Landon chimed in, "We wanted it to be a surprise so you just go put your feet up and we'll get right to work."

Several thoughts now spiraled through my head as I wondered how to handle this. I could go crazy and start lecturing them about not messing with kitchen items without mommy present. But they were looking at me so very pleased with themselves over their thoughtfulness. If I yell I will break their spirit if I let it go I will have eggs and flour everywhere on a regular basis. Bad mom, good mom which way do I go...

Finally I realized we had no syrup and I found my escape."But babies, we're out of syrup so why don't we wait on the pancakes. I love how you thought about me but next time you really want to surprise mommy bring daddy in on it as well."

It seemed to work because the next words out of Xander's mouth were. "I'm hungry can you fix me toast now?" On that note I took over the breakfast making and my mom mind settled down a bit. That was until we started school. I was trying to show Landon how to write the number 2 which I now know is very complex. After his tenth try and getting more mad at himself I started to doubt my ability and I started to yell at myself. Don't let him see you doubt yourself he'll manifest it on himself and have self confidence issues into adulthood. Finally I slapped myself back to reality. Quit being ridiculous you are not going to damage him by doubting you can teach him how to write the number 2 and with that I decided it was time for a break. Besides his twos didn't look half bad anyway.During the break Xander wanted to go outside. I told him just for a minute to get fresh air since it had been raining all morning and it could start again at any moment. He said "Don't worry, mom. My dragon cape makes me invisible to the lasting side effects of rain."
After lunch it was time for me to take Ronan to his 15 month check-up. I was quite tempted to ask Isaac to take him because I was seriously exhausted from dealing with Ronan's asthma the night before. But my obsessive need to know everything about my kids took over. Isaac is an awesome husband and father but the man just doesn't know how to share details about doctor appointments.

Based on past experience this is how our post check-up conversation would have gone. Me: "How was it?" Isaac: "Fine." "Well what did the doctor say." "She said he was fine." "Ok how much did he weigh?" "umm somewhere between 20 or 30 I don't remember." "Do you remember what percentiles he's in?" "Somewhere between 0 and 100." "Do you remember anything?" "yeah, I told you I remember he's fine."
But I can't take it I have to know every detail of what the doctor said and where he's located on the charts so I ignore the exhaustion and go. Sometimes I could kick myself for my stubbornness.

We get there and find out Ronan is 22lbs 9 oz and 30 in. long which puts him in the 20 percentile for both. Then she asks the dreaded question "So how is that reflux medicine working? Is he better?" My heart sinks. Can't I just pretend it works? with a sigh I admit "Not really. He's still coughing and crying during most meals." She looks over the GI doctor's notes. "Well he'll probably need that surgery then but they'll do the PH test first to make sure." "You mean the one where they put a tube in his nose and I somehow have to keep it in place for 24 hours." "Yes, that's the one." Then she tells me their fridge is broken and I have to make a trip to the public health department for his shots.
I get home and I think about a lot. The great mom debate starts for the third time today. I could just not call the GI doctor on Thursday or I could call and tell him the medicine is fine write that new prescription. Then I want to beat some sense into myself. You know you'd be lying. But then he'll have to have that test and it'll probably indicate surgery. You heard Dr. Shash it may be what he needs or he could damage his lungs for life by refluxing and aspirating stomach acid.

Dr. Shash had helped me through Landon's severe allergic reaction to his DTP shot as a baby. Had called me on Christmas Eve night one year just to make sure Xander's severe virus wasn't getting the better of him, she had helped me through Jadzia's kidney problems and got us in on a moments notice when I called her concerned Inara's jaundice levels were spiking. And most dear to me she had hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder when we discussed the shock of Ronan's trisomy 21 diagnosis. She'd been a medical guardian for my kids from the moment I first became a parent. Why would I doubt her now? She'd never let me down, not once. This wasn't a case of mom knew better than doctor either. This was a case of mom not wanting doctor to be right. Not wanting to put her son through more pain. Not wanting to put herself through more pain. What if something goes wrong? Then I remembered the words of my wise best friend.

She said. "Ang, all you can do is the best you have with what you know. In the end if it doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped all you can do is know you honestly tried to do what was in your child's best interest."

So I will call his GI doctor on Thursday and tell him the medicine didn't work. That he still cries when he eats and coughs for hours after eating. That he still can't eat anything more than applesauce consistency other than the occasional cheerios or broken up cookie. And it stinks that I have to but I guess I just need to grow a tougher skin.

From the simplicity of pancakes to the complex dilemma of major abdominal surgery the Great mom debate brews in my head. Good mom, bad mom which will it be. Perhaps a human mom?

A Kindergartener is born.

Post# 8 only 357 to go.

About five and a half years ago I gave birth to my first baby. Shortly after he was born I started to imagine the future and as I looked on into what I thought would be forever away I envisioned driving up to a school, unbuckling my son from his booster seat and holding his hand as I walked him to his very first class, kindergarten. I saw him disappearing, with back pack over both shoulders, into a classroom full of other excited, anxious children. I saw myself crying and wishing I could freeze time so I wouldn't have to watch my child embark on the journey that would turn him into a big kid.

Part of me missed not having that image today since I had pictured it for so long. But if there is one thing motherhood has taught me and especially this last year or so life doesn't usually turn out the way we picture it but that doesn't mean it turns out bad either. Instead about January of this year I approached Isaac in a panic. "It's kindergarten round-up next week! We haven't even registered Landon yet!" Isaac calmly kept looking over the book he was reading "So why don't you homeschool him." "I didn't mean we couldn't send him to kindergarten. I just mean we need to get to it." He continued, "No, I'm serious why don't you homeschool him. I know you can do it. You already teach them everything anyway and now you can just schedule it better and get actual books."

From there I hit the books to do a lot of research, I went to a couple of "So you want to homeschool your kid" meetings. Finally when we had the entire Abeka kindergarten curriculum given to us I took it as a sign from God that's what we needed to do. I still doubted my ability though and debated back and forth but finally came to the conclusion I'd prayed enough, I'd done enough research and we are where are today. So no back pack, goodbyes, or full classrooms instead it's me and my little man and I have the privilege to embark on the journey along side him. I get to guide him to this next step in life more than I ever thought I would.Today went well. He zipped right through all the first days work in less than two hours. I had to come up with a few extra things to do and I now realize I need to increase the work load because he's craving more and he's retaining it wonderfully. I'm being cautious though I don't want to overwhelm him but I'm finding that's one of the great things about homeschool I can increase or decrease things based on what he needs. He did get a little upset because he didn't think he could write his B's very well. I think he did great for his first day trying to write a B.

Jadzia was good and mainly colored or watched the boys do their assignments. Xander started his preschool and the highlight of his day was getting to color a gorilla. He's getting very good at cutting with scissors as well. Ronan played with his toys on the floor and Inara took a wonderful morning nap.

Now as for mommy this apparently was the week I forgot to turn on my brain. Much to Ronan's delight I left Ronan's glasses sitting in my mother in-law's car after the buddy walk therefor making it so she had to mail them back. Then on top of that I looked at the wrong date on the calendar and thought oh wow no therapy visits this week. Guess who rang the door bell promptly at 10:00 am? Yep, Ronan's PT. So just as I was trying to convince Landon his B's were improving I get up to get the door and there she stood bag in hand ready to tackle Ronan's exercises. I have to admit though the timing was ok because at the level Landon was upset at himself I new a break would be good. I put him on Starfall and went to work with the Physical therapist. I'm starting to learn to expect the unexpected and be ready to launch across the room, clean throw up, and handle unexpected visitors without warning.
Ronan's therapist brought his hip helpers and also announced she believed it was time to start the long discussed foot braces. I'm starting to think Ronan can be called the bionic baby. We add to his list: Glasses, hearing aides, abdominal wrap, hip helpers and now braces for his feet. This now gives him artificial parts from head to toe. The braces are pretty cute they go up to his ankle and have little cars (or whatever cute thing we decide) on them. They have to be worn with shoes. Nike shoes are the best and included with the braces along with special socks, With the shoes no one will even be able to tell he has them on.

After the hour the therapist was here I worked a little more on phonics with Landon then it was time for lunch. We had lunch and then music time which I think I'm going to alternate with art day and science project day. I think we are really going to get our hands dirty and have a whole lot of fun. A few things I already have planned are: growing their own bean plant, getting them real water colors and canvases and letting them go to town, caterpillar project, field trips to the zoo and pumpkin patch, cookie baking to learn measurements, Library day once a week and a garden once spring comes.

After music time it was nap time for the big kids and Inara. Ronan and I hit the road to get to his Endocrinlogy appointment. I always get nervous going to this appointment because it's in the children's hospital which is attached to a large hospital. The clinic isn't very lenient when it comes to people being late and since this is the only pediatric endocrinologist around I really need to stay in their good graces. Fortunately my paranoia paid off and we made it with 15 minutes to spare. I was prepared to wait because last time I waited four hours just to see the doctor but to my surprise we saw the doctor in under 15 minutes.


Now a little shout out to those wonderful nurses. Every time Ronan gets his blood drawn anywhere we go they stick him upward of ten times. IVs are always put in his head, when he was in the NICU he had his PICC line in one side of his head and IV in the other. These Endocrinology nurses have gotten his blood drawn with the first stick, very quickly, every time we've gone and he barely cries. I seriously want to hire them to follow Ronan around.

We will get the call tomorrow with the results. One of two things will happen. I will get a call from the nurse which will mean good news and Ronan does not have hypothyroidism and can go back to his yearly checks or Dr. Sieler will call which means bad news and Ronan will be put on a medication for the rest of his life to control low thyroid production. This will also mean the difference between many more trips to the endocrinologist or getting to remove one doctor from his list of many.

After correctly locating the right dates on my calendar I realized we have an appointment every day this week. All for poor Mr. Ronan. Tomorrow is his 15 month check-up where he will get his shots and tests for various, possible issues. Wednesday is private Physical therapy and a nutrition appointment to address his unique eating issues, Thursday is ear mold day because his little ears grow more than I actual ever thought they did, Friday he gets fitted for custom foot braces that will arrive two weeks from then.

I have to actually turn my attention to my own text books now so I better quit slacking and get to work. Goodnight all!

School on the horizon of an easy day.

There wasn't much excitement today which was ok after the long day we had yesterday. I was wondering when I started this blog what I would do on the days nothing really happened and I figured I could at least take pictures of the kids and talk about them a little. My parents did take the two big boys for awhile so Jadzia and I got a nap in together.
She also carried her frog around everywhere and even included him in meals. She carried little froggy around for awhile too but he kept getting lost so she finally left him behind. She also made a cute tambourine type thing in Sunday school. She kept hitting it against her hand and singing.
Also Ronan is 15 months today! He's becoming such a big boy. He's learned to sign "more" and "all done". We decided to try the sign language approach to his hearing loss because we still don't know if he will completely lose his hearing causing his hearing aides to be useless.

Also Inara is 11 weeks. I do a little photo op with her every week to compare how she changes.
I think once she turns 12 weeks I'll change it to every month. I wish I had done weekly pictures this diligently with my other kids. But no one can ever say any of my kids are lacking in photographs. I love photos and how they capture moments in time and help hold onto memories that would otherwise be lost or dwindled. I'm known for taking pictures in odd places of odd moments. I like to capture both good and bad moments and look back and remember how far we've come from the bad and are better for it. Good moments are obvious just to remember them and for sentimental reasons. I see photography as a way to freeze time and to breathe in moments gone over and over again.

I'm so excited because Isaac is buying me a new, really nice camera. It can take pictures that you can enlarge to 16x24 and still have them be perfectly clear and beautiful. This camera will actually be pretty small which will be great since I've been having to use our huge video camera since my last digital camera broke a couple of months ago. I was crushed when it happened and Isaac told me when September came he'd buy me a new, better one. I didn't know how I'd make it without a camera and then he reminded me our old video camera takes pictures as well and I could use that until we could get the new digital. The video camera works great just very bulky and hard to take certain places.
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Tomorrow I start homeschooling my boys for the first time ever. I've always taught them things at home but never formally. I have lesson plans written out for the next two weeks. I have everything ready to go. I plan on writing more lesson plans tonight and working on them every Sunday night. Landon will start kindergarten and Xander 4 year old preschool. Landon said he can tell people he's in the 5th grade. I said no you'll be in kindergarten. He said "mom, you said I was in K5."

I'm going to work with Jadzia a little each day mostly on her speech but her's won't be quite as formal. I will still of course work on Ronan's exercises and Inara's time will mainly consist of tummy time and progress from there. So all and all I guess they will all learn something.

Buddy Walk and Build a Frog

We came out in the masses. We came to walk for awareness and acceptance and to rid the world of ignorance. This was the large scale goal and desire of the Buddy Walk. Personally our family walked for one very important little man, our Ronan. I felt the walk was important not only to raise money for Gigi's playhouse (our local Down Syndrome Awareness center) but also to educate people on the true reality of Down Syndrome.

Ronan's team name was Ronan's Trek and included: Daddy (daddy had to work at the last minute), mommy, Both Grandma Fullmer and Grandma Spencer, Landon, Xander, Jadzia, Inara, Aunt Alana, Caleb and Hannah. We painted the shirts with his team name, the person's relationship to Ronan and their name, the footprints on the back were traced from Ronan's actual footprints.

Lunch was provided and Ronan liked the cookies most of all. They also had games and actvities for the kids. The favorite was face painting. Landon was a polar bear, Xander told the lady "I want to be a gorilla, that means my face needs to be all black", Caleb was spiderman, Jadzia and Hannah were butterflies and Ronan was a teddy bear. As for Inara we'll just have to wait until next year.

The kids were pretty wore out from the walk and other excitement that they took excellent naps. This gave me time to go grocery shopping with my mom. We picked up dinner and my brother and his family came over again. After dinner I realized Jadzia's birthday build a bear coupon had arrived early so her and I took off to get her yearly animal. She was so excited when we got there she just stood looking in the window yelling "Froggy! Froggy!" Can you guess which one she picked?
I asked her what she wanted to name him and of course it was "Froggy". They gave her a smaller frog for free which she promptly named "Little Froggy".

I'm wondering if my dryer read all the laundry talk in my blog yesterday and decided it really was working too hard because not an hour after I wrote yesterday's blog my dryer made a horrendous sound and fizzled out. Fortunately it is under warranty but they can't come repair it until Wednesday. Until then we must conserve our clothes carefully. I'm exhausted from this full day so I'm off to meet my pillow.

A cookie cake and laundry.

I was pretty sure today would be uneventful and then I remembered my brother and his family were coming over to celebrate my sister in-law's birthday. I spent most of the morning building lego monuments with the boys then Jadzia and I had a tea party for lunch. Afternoon arrived and along with that came the laundry. This was the first load pretty much folded with three more to go. I often find it amazing how quickly laundry piles up. I've simply accepted my fate as far as laundry is concerned and the fact it will be never ending. At night you do the entire load, by late morning the following day the basket is full. If you let it go for a day it's a mess and for two days the floor of the laundry room is now carpeted with clothes along side the towering basket. Times like these I miss my dear Aunt Becky who has a love for the chore of laundry. When she came for a visit she did all my laundry and enjoyed every minute of it. That was the moment I strongly considered asking Isaac to pay her moving expenses to relocate to our neighborhood. The only problem is there is laundry in Colorado so the promise of lots of it would not be enough to lure her here.
By late afternoon I realized I had finished all my school for the week last night and I actually had a little free time. Shortly after the kids got up from their naps My brother and his family arrived. They brought a frosted cookie cake with fish on it. Landon insisted he needed one of the fish on his piece of cake. When I reminded him it was not his birthday he made sure to remind me his goldfish had died a couple of weeks ago and he needed something to remember him by. This is Alana serving her own cake.
And yes Landon got a piece with a fish on it.
After supper Jadzia and Hannah played babies and wanted to borrow Ronan and Inara. I mean how many girls get real babies to play with? The boys pretended they were super heroes who had to wear sunglasses to protect their eyes from the blasters they made out of legos to get the beast they were hunting. I was told by a friend that they did a study where they took all toys that resembled a weapon away from boys and 9 times out of ten they would find other objects to pretend were weapons. My boys object of choice is legos. They have no toy weapons but they build elaborate machine guns and lasers.

Well it's off to bed for me and it's not even midnight yet!
Tomorrow is a big event for our family. The 2010 Buddy Walk! So that's all for now.

Xander and Caleb: Monster fighting is serious business but they got it down.

Bad wife turned good.

Have you ever not found a crayon or a sticker in a pants pocket and ran all your clothes through the washer and dryer while havoc is wreaked all over that entire load of laundry. This predicament came to my shoulders today. A sticker found it's way onto my husband's absolute favorite shirt. On this occasion it left every other item in the dryer alone and decided the sticky part would leave melted marks all over the back of the piece of clothing my husband holds most dear. Needless to say I was in trouble.
So mama went to work. A lot of shout ( the stain remover not the vocal level), scrubbing and another run through the wash and presto the shirt was like new! ok to be absolutely honest there are tiny specks here and there but they can only be seen if you stare really hard. Main thing is the husband is happy again and my guilt is soothed.

Putting all laundry adventures aside the notable event of the day is I began college again. My eventual goal will most likely be to become an ultrasound technician but this will have to be fulfilled once the kids are older. I want a career so that if Isaac was unable to work for whatever reason I would have a good job that could support our family. Plus the benefit of broadening my horizons and developing skills seems appealing to me.

My dad once gave me the illustration of a man who is spinning plates at a circus. He keeps adding more and more plates and everyone is watching him to see how many more plates he can handle before they all tumble and crash. I felt like that man today, overwhelmed at the now mountainous load of work I have to get done. My husband came to my rescue. He helped to stabilize my spinning plates. He is going to embark with me on a journey of organizing our house. Tomorrow will be a big day and hopefully we can get it all done. I have much more confidence now that I won't be alone. You gotta love a helpful man especially when the reason he helps is just because he loves you.

Now about the kids... I was negligent in taking proper pictures today mainly due to trying to get school figured out and the laundry crisis. Xander built an awesome lego ship that would have made a perfect picture but I got distracted and forgot to show off his brilliant lego building skills. so instead I took this picture:Brotherly love at its finest. I think Ronan might make the Guinness Book of world records for most loved baby brother. The big kids actually have arguments over who loves him more. Much to the disappointment of his therapists Ronan is not left wanting for any toy that is out of reach because upon him pointing and crying it is brought to him. And here is a cute picture of daddy forcing Inara to be a cowgirl:Ronan had a visit from his teacher for the hard of hearing and his occupational therapist. We were practicing rolling a ball back and forth but we ended the game because Ronan got very mad that the ball just kept coming back to him. I don't think that's his game of choice. He did enjoy playing with the slinky and playing the up to the moon game.

I know there is a lack of pictures tonight but that's all she wrote I guess. This was the basics of our day. Now my thoughts and efforts must return to school where tonight I have to somehow figure out how to take my emotions out of moral dilemmas and stay impartial which is something I find very difficult. Until tomorrow goodnight.

McDonalds and a diet?!?

Preview

Yes, McDonalds and a diet are really not compatible in the same sentence unless the usage coincides with the termination of said diet. However those two words were the highlights of our day.

I started the day off with procrastination which led me to the point I was hurtling myself and Ronan out the door with less than a minute to go until his weekly Physical therapy session. Part of this was because of the fact I started my diet and I was really not used to actually making myself breakfast. Usually I munch on whatever while I fed all my babies. The thought of actually cooking something for just myself was a distant memory.
With that being said I am on this diet:And here it is.... I debated putting this in but I figured I must. Here is my before picture, the after five babies picture. On this diet it is supposed to help you lose a good portion of your baby weight in 30 days. This is not a crash diet . It is designed specifically for nursing mothers (it has an alteration for non nursing mothers as well). But this is a very high nutrient diet and uses super foods to give you more energy and help you lose weight by maintaining all your baby's dietary needs as well. I have to say I have not felt hungry at all today and I like it because I know exactly what I need to eat so no calorie counting involved. 30 days from now is Jadzia's birthday so that is my goal to fit in my pre-Inara pants by Jadzia's birthday. If we can keep it up maybe by the end of this year I can be in my pre-every baby pants.
Today being the day I started my diet meant it was probably a bad day to go to fast food. I was very good though and ate my lunch at home and just took the kids for a treat. We rarely eat out but around here there is $2 happy meals on Wednesdays and Mc Donalds was giving out little Madame Alexander dolls for the girl prize. Jadzia had gotten the Alice in wonderland one from when she was at her grandparent's and she really wanted the little red riding hood doll. So we took the kids and I figured I'd buy her a couple more. It turned out the dolls were cheaper on Wednesdays too so we got her the entire set for $6. The boys were also happy to get some batman toys out of the deal. While we were there we ran into my sister in-law, niece and nephew. The kids had a fun time playing on the playset with their cousins.
In Inara news she has officially become anti-tummy time. Every time I put her on her tummy within a minute she rolls over. She is also becoming quite vocal and will respond to your voice as though she's having a conversation with you. She also has just begun to realize she can vary the volume level of her coos.

Ronan received something new. He got his abdominal wrap that helps give him extra tummy muscles. This will help his back not dip when he crawls. I think it has also been helping him when he pulls himself to stand.
Tomorrow's agenda: Ronan's hearing teacher comes way to early at 8:00 am which is an hour I don't function well before. Then his OT (Occupational therapist arrives at 11:30). The big thing though is it's my first day back to college. I'm attending college full time online and starting day is tomorrow. So now I'm off to do a quick organization of the house which will probably involve a lot of putting things in places
that the therapists never go.